This Week it Hit Me

This week was a challenging one to say the least. In addition to the normal emotions sparked by the daily responsibilities of life, I found myself feeling anxious, sad, and withdrawn. I have come to recognize however that those feelings are quite normal for me around this time of year. You see, the twelve year anniversary of my sister’s passing is quickly approaching, and for me that means twelve years of never having the opportunity to create new memories with her … ever. That reality has always hit hard. I find myself crushed by the the fact that the life I once knew, I will never know again.

Some say that it gets easier with time. On the contrary, it has been my experience that time doesn’t necessarily make it easier; but instead, time allows us to learn how to live with loss and grief, it pushes us to move on, and we are given the opportunity to bare witness to our own personal strength and formulate a new reality – but only if we are open to it.

We all experience this concept of grief differently, and as time goes on I have learned how to live with my own. I find that now I can go months without feeling it’s pain; which brings comfort – but it only takes one moment, one thought, or one song to ignite the flashbacks, fueling the raw emotions that are tied to that single moment when my life changed forever. Those random instances cause that same grief to come flooding back into the pit of my stomach and rage upward until it reaches the middle of my throat – and the most challenging part of it all is I never know when it’s going to hit.

Well this week it hit. This week I cried every single time I had a moment to myself. This week I heard my sisters song play on the radio in the car and it instantly brought me back to that moment – inciting a full blown panic attack as I drove home from work. This week I found myself having zero energy to help around the house or socialize with family and friends.

And this week I realized that ALL of that is ok.

This week I allowed myself to just grieve, and it brought me to the realization that through the loss of my sister I have grown on levels I never knew existed. This week I recognized that I am a better version of myself. Why? Because life is all about experiences and lessons – both good and bad. Through experiencing such a traumatic loss, I was able to learn empathy, I was able to learn the power of acceptance and I was able to grow spiritually. I am grateful and more focused on the present moment, more so now than ever before.

This week I realized just how grateful I am for my own personal growth and for the ability to realize that grief can hit anyone at anytime and it will be ok. I have realized that without going through this pain, I would have never had the opportunity to help my own children, family members and students grow in the way I can now.

No matter how badly we wish we had control over the outside forces that be – our reality is – that will never be an option for us, it’s not how life works. Life pushes us through these experiences to teach us lessons that our souls so desperately need to learn. I have also become quite aware that if we don’t open our minds, if we don’t accept what is, if we don’t learn from our experiences, then we will be destined to remain stagnant, and unfulfilled.

I am a firm believer that every experience we have is meant to happen for a reason – right down to the people we come in contact with on a day-to-day basis. We all have something to gain from one another – lessons to be learned. With that said, I feel compelled to share some of my take away lessons from this week; and as we head into the weekend, maybe this message will reach someone who desperately needed to hear it.

So here it is…

Awareness allows you to open your mind to lesson’s you may never have known you needed to learn.

Acceptance of what is will allow you to grow and begin to move in a direction that fulfills your soul.

Grief is something that will never go away, but allowing yourself to feel it and go through it, allows you to refocus your time and energy on what’s truly important in your life.

Showing yourself grace is extremely important in the healing process. Be kind to yourself.

You ALWAYS have a choice … you can choose to be bitter or you can choose to be better.

I say … choose to be better.

Cheers!